September 28, 2013
Sometimes I feel as though I am the only one in the world that is up at 2:51 in the morning. I understand some be up working, some are having a difficult time sleeping, and others are up because they cannot comprehend why they woke up to begin with...
However, then there are people like me... With Insomnia.. Already sleep deprive but, find themselves not able to sleep because of the Monster that is "Under The Bed"... There is not a need to explain to me that this isn't true, that Monsters do not live "Under The Bed"
If you come from a physical, emotional, spiritual, and Sexual abuse like I have.. Then you would understand what I mean by the "Monster Under The Bed" concept. There are many struggles, as well as many issues that I still find myself dealing with and even though psychologically I know I am safe... I find myself still struggling at times.
At least this past year I have found myself reverting to the habits I use to do in order to survive.. Those habits can be Self Damaging and most of all; Self Sabotaging more harmful to you than anyone else... Or in other words, Self-Injury (SI)..
I am not one to take a gun and get pissed at the world and go on a rampage... Thinking in some way the world is the one that owes me something.. Hence, it becomes Self-Inflicting instead.. Either by a conscience level or a subconscious level... Including what my father predicted what would happen if I left him.. I would not have anything without him...
And here I am 40-Years-Old... Just getting a home to settle in... Beginning a home, I suppose you could say that in a way... Granted, lest I beat myself up to hard... I have to remember that it has only been 7 years that I had decided not to look over my shoulder or run in fear of my life..
The main reason was because he would find me, kill me, and my family when he became free from prison... I trembled as I found myself packing some of his psychological examinations and wonder why they would free a man that would do it all over again for the "Betterment of the Child," as his wording says...
What would anyone reasonable person really do in that situation??? I ran with my family.. I would move them over and over again, leaving my things, jobs, and run to somewhere new, until I heard from him again or someone he sent to give me a message... I did that until 2007, around Thanksgiving time...
I was exhausted from looking over my shoulder all the time… I was exhausted that I couldn't keep anything or have anything for my family and my children... and that I couldn't keep anything nice because all that time I would just give up everything... I had to make a conscience decision and I decided that I was finished with running as I have done my entire life: Since I walked away at the age of Seventeen..
As for the way I "feel" about my “Daddy”: Yes, somewhere deep down, if I am truly, bluntly honest with myself... I long for Daddy to tell me that he truly does love me.. Isn't that normal for any woman? To want her Father's approval and love??? That he is sorry... *Sigh* Another story for another time..
You aren't alone... That I can assure you... Just like cutting.. I have been free from doing that a few years there are times like right now my “Self-Injury, (SI); cutting level sky-rockets... So, Instead I ramble here... . Maybe I won't feel so Alone.
*Just My Thoughts*
Sometimes I feel as though I am the only one in the world that is up at 2:51 in the morning. I understand some be up working, some are having a difficult time sleeping, and others are up because they cannot comprehend why they woke up to begin with...
However, then there are people like me... With Insomnia.. Already sleep deprive but, find themselves not able to sleep because of the Monster that is "Under The Bed"... There is not a need to explain to me that this isn't true, that Monsters do not live "Under The Bed"
If you come from a physical, emotional, spiritual, and Sexual abuse like I have.. Then you would understand what I mean by the "Monster Under The Bed" concept. There are many struggles, as well as many issues that I still find myself dealing with and even though psychologically I know I am safe... I find myself still struggling at times.
At least this past year I have found myself reverting to the habits I use to do in order to survive.. Those habits can be Self Damaging and most of all; Self Sabotaging more harmful to you than anyone else... Or in other words, Self-Injury (SI)..
I am not one to take a gun and get pissed at the world and go on a rampage... Thinking in some way the world is the one that owes me something.. Hence, it becomes Self-Inflicting instead.. Either by a conscience level or a subconscious level... Including what my father predicted what would happen if I left him.. I would not have anything without him...
And here I am 40-Years-Old... Just getting a home to settle in... Beginning a home, I suppose you could say that in a way... Granted, lest I beat myself up to hard... I have to remember that it has only been 7 years that I had decided not to look over my shoulder or run in fear of my life..
The main reason was because he would find me, kill me, and my family when he became free from prison... I trembled as I found myself packing some of his psychological examinations and wonder why they would free a man that would do it all over again for the "Betterment of the Child," as his wording says...
What would anyone reasonable person really do in that situation??? I ran with my family.. I would move them over and over again, leaving my things, jobs, and run to somewhere new, until I heard from him again or someone he sent to give me a message... I did that until 2007, around Thanksgiving time...
I was exhausted from looking over my shoulder all the time… I was exhausted that I couldn't keep anything or have anything for my family and my children... and that I couldn't keep anything nice because all that time I would just give up everything... I had to make a conscience decision and I decided that I was finished with running as I have done my entire life: Since I walked away at the age of Seventeen..
As for the way I "feel" about my “Daddy”: Yes, somewhere deep down, if I am truly, bluntly honest with myself... I long for Daddy to tell me that he truly does love me.. Isn't that normal for any woman? To want her Father's approval and love??? That he is sorry... *Sigh* Another story for another time..
You aren't alone... That I can assure you... Just like cutting.. I have been free from doing that a few years there are times like right now my “Self-Injury, (SI); cutting level sky-rockets... So, Instead I ramble here... . Maybe I won't feel so Alone.
*Just My Thoughts*