September 28, 2013

     Sometimes I feel as though I am the only one in the world that is up at 2:51 in the morning. I understand some be up working, some are having a difficult time sleeping, and others are up because they cannot comprehend why they woke up to begin with... 

     However, then there are people like me...  With Insomnia.. Already sleep deprive but, find themselves not able to sleep because of the Monster that is "Under The Bed"... There is not a need to explain to me that this isn't true, that Monsters do not live "Under The Bed" 

     If you come from a physical, emotional, spiritual,  and Sexual abuse like I have..  Then you would understand what I mean by the "Monster Under The Bed" concept. There are many struggles, as well as many issues that I still find myself dealing with and even though psychologically I know I am safe...  I find myself still struggling at times.

     At least this past year I have found myself reverting to the habits I use to do in order to survive.. Those habits can be Self Damaging and most of all;  Self Sabotaging more harmful to you than anyone else... Or in other words, Self-Injury (SI)..

     I am not one to take a gun and get pissed at the world and go on a rampage... Thinking in some way the world is the one that owes me something.. Hence, it becomes Self-Inflicting instead..  Either by a conscience level or a subconscious level...  Including what my father predicted what would happen if I left him..  I would not have anything without him...
  
     And here I am 40-Years-Old... Just getting a home to settle in... Beginning a home, I suppose you could say that in a way... Granted, lest I beat myself up to hard... I have to remember that it has only been 7 years that I had decided not to look over my shoulder or run in fear of my life..

     The main reason was because he would find me, kill me, and my family when he became free from prison... I trembled as I found myself packing some of his psychological examinations and wonder why they would free a man that would do it all over again for the "Betterment of the Child," as his wording says...

     What would anyone reasonable person really do in that situation???  I ran with my family.. I would move them over and over again, leaving my things, jobs, and run to somewhere new, until I heard from him again or someone he sent to give me a message... I did that until 2007, around Thanksgiving time...
 
     I was exhausted from looking over my shoulder all the time… I was exhausted that I couldn't keep anything or have anything for my family and my children... and that I couldn't keep anything nice because all that time I would just give up everything... I had to make a conscience decision and I decided that I was finished with running as I have done my entire life: Since I walked away at the age of Seventeen..

     As for the way I "feel" about my “Daddy”: Yes, somewhere deep down, if I am truly, bluntly honest with myself...  I long for Daddy to tell me that he truly does love me.. Isn't that normal for any woman? To want her Father's approval and love???  That he is sorry...  *Sigh* Another story for another time.. 

     You aren't alone... That I can assure you...  Just like cutting..  I have been free from doing that a few years there are times like right now my “Self-Injury, (SI); cutting level sky-rockets... So, Instead I ramble here... . Maybe I won't feel so Alone.  

*Just My Thoughts*

(Please remember that this Blog/Journal was to be honest about my life.. If you are a friend, family member that  has found me here, don't read if you are going to take it as a negative thing or offensive or cause you to have "ill" feelings.. This is for me, not you)

     I have been struggling it seems for-ever with a lot of issues in my life.. Seems relentless in all things and always having to fight with everything that I either received in my life or I give.. I have said from the beginning of my Blog/Journal that I just wanted to be totally honest about my life, just the way it is.. just the way that I see it.. Just the way that I feel.. I actually began this blog when I felt so very left-out of my girls life.. I was being left behind.. However, in many ways I know that I am and really not much has changed from when I first began this.. Trying to feel as though I didn't feel alone or maybe you didn't feel alone.

     On the 3rd of next month (if all works well and my husband begins to get his retirement) we are going to be able to move into our new home.. If not for any other reason that I should be thrilled about this.. is for my health issues.  For the past year (well, in November) will be 1 year I will be living in an unhealthy home.. and I really mean that literally.  I mean, I believe that many times that if any housing place would of come there, they would of hands down condemned the place because of all the mold and other issues that are there.. of Course then again, Black Mold is suppose to be deadly.. Only by the Grace of God that we are still here and praying that there will not be any long term effects on  my boys.

     I know that we do the best that we can do as parents, I know that I am not in the best of health.. and I surely fight every day just to make sure I try to put on the face of being strong for my children and husband.. put on that smile, try to hear as much as I can with what they are saying (most of the time it just seems as though I hear them underwater), try to see everything clearly with my eyes burning and blurry.. and of course, making my body work when all it wants to do is lay down and just sleep.. In goes the pills.. and I do mean whatever I can get a hold of to make sure that I am able to make my body function.  (How many of you other Mom's do that)?

     It is very difficult to talk to anyone.. No one really wants to hear what you are thinking or what you are feeling.. Or the hand goes up and they walk away saying that they don't want to hear anything negative (really not negative after all I am a genius when it comes to making sure that everyone around me thinks/believes that every thing in my life is really great and I am the most happiest person in the world).. 

     When really when I take a step back from my life.. I am me.. Or Me threw them.. and without them.. or whatever they need me for.. I am nothing.. I go to meetings for support.. I go to school for the boys if they need something and I go to work at Domino's just to pray that it will help make things just a little easier.. 

     Last night, until 2 this morning I was Skyp'ing with my eldest daughter and as I glanced at my video in the right hand corner.. I noticed how I looked.. face looks badly.. and let's face it.. who I am really fooling??? Maybe I do have a secret wish that I would die.. but I really don't.  Inside all I want is to feel good for a  change, not have to take drugs to make me feel like I can tolerate the pain and Stackers (about 6 pills a day) just to feel like I can function and breathe... Not to have to get up threw the night, 3 or 4 times just to take an inhaler or the Nebulizer to feel like I can breath.. and of course, the allergy pills just to make me not want to claw out my eyes every frigging day.

     I see my eldest son eyes, they are gaunty looking with black circles underneath them.. and he is also going threw nebulizering treatments and inhalers.. he isn't sleeping well either and it is starting to take a toll on him (so I am praying for his health more than anything).. I try to be somewhat honest with the doctor and have him on some medications, but let us face it.. who is going to go to a professional doctor and say.. sorry I am doing the best I can.. but he lives in place right now that is filled with mold.. and every insect under the sun that he has tested positive for of being allergic too... really??? Come on.. After all.. they would see it as I am failing as a parent (I beat myself up for that enough)...

     Honest??? I TOLD you that I would be honest in my blogging/journal.  This is my life as it is.. there isn't anything wonderful about it.. only that I have a wonderful husband that is working so hard to accomplish his dreams... and my beautiful children.  I don't have a beautiful home with tons of money in the bank and I surely don't have medical insurance for myself... 

     I am thankful that my children get medicaid and my husband is able to go to the VA to receive care.. My life is about them.. and without them.. Well, as I have said before in the very beginning of this blog.. I need to find out who I am.. But, maybe, just maybe if all goes well and my husband gets his retirement on the 3rd like he is suppose too.. then we can move into this place.  Then we can get the electric switch over.. and then there is going to be someone to help us with the well so our water will work.. Will we sleep on the floors and not have much???

     Yes, of course.. But at least maybe being in a healthy home.. my boys, especially my eldest son will get healthy again.. and I can see his eyes shine without the sick looking all the time.. and maybe then I won't have this, "Maybe death wish for myself..." because anyone that isn't well.. that has medical problems.. have fought for a very long time, understand this... "I am just tired..."  Not a death wish, just tired of fighting being sick all the time.. fighting to breath, to walk.. etc.. It isn't a death wish at all, it is just that simple... I am just tired.

     *My Thoughts for Today.. Just as I have said, honest, true... and mine.  If you got offended.. if you got mad.. if you took it personally, then stop reading my blogs.. because as I said from the beginning, this is for me.. for you NOT to feel alone.. and hey, just because it is bluntly honest about my life*