I have said that this blog is for me to be honest.. always honest. No matter what it might entail or what may have happened. That this blog isn't like the normal blogs with happily ever afters or even a happy ending.. but, this blog would be about my life.. where I am at this moment in my life.. and what I am thinking. Without edits, without rereading it.. without thinking.. just type. My life.. I am Human.
And so.. I am. The last few months have been a whirlwind. Literally!
I found myself without any ground under my feet this week. It has been a very difficult week for me to get myself grounded. I feel as though I have been in a blender and it keeps spinning and spinning as my life is chopped up in bits and pieces. Or maybe just a puzzle with all the pieces scattered around and I am trying to figure what piece goes with what piece. And the thing of it is.. the people that I thought really cared or loved me doesn't.. and those that I didn't think that they cared or loved me.. do. It is part of a season in my life that I am sure goes with everyone's life at one point or another. Because that is what I have found that life is.. just a bunch of seasons.. never knowing what that season may or may not bring.
The way back from Ohio my daughter, Katarina and I had been talking a lot. Death seems to do that to people. Has us talking about life and what life may or may not mean. And she did ask about my father etc... I had thought about it and then I said I don't have any regrets about anything. I live my life without regrets. The only thing that I found myself thinking was how sad I would be if my father did die. Why? People would ask me.. Well...
Because he is my father. If my father died then there would be a finality of it all. There would never be the opportunity of him coming to me and telling me how sorry he was and how he wants to be part of my life.. there would never be that opportunity for him to tell me that I am his little girl and that he loves me and that he is sorry for hurting me. Then there would be no opportunity for him to say that he loves me.. If my father died there would be a finality to it all and in that finality it wouldn't be me mourning over him... it would be me mourning of the dreams that I would of liked to have one day with him.. it would be mourning for the hopes that he would want that.. It would be the finality of that it is over and now there never would be a chance for that to happen because he would be gone. It would be mourning because him growing to an old age didn't change him and that he didn't have remorse for anything he had done to me. It would be mourning for that dream of one day he would love me..
Then as I went to Vince's 50th graduation reunion and some of his family had a get together for us.. It made me think even more. I realize that many of us do stand outside the window and we look in.. we truly don't know what happens behind close doors, but what we observe looking in is something that we all long for.
I don't have a big family. Or technically I really do. But, because of what happened with my father and because I blew the whistle on my father, I became the black sheep of the family. There isn't any family gatherings or traditional memories that I carry over from being small.
Fear set in when I went to see my daughter's grave on Friday the 13th. I know that I can't visit her as much as I would like to, but there was so many other children/babies graves there that wasn't there before and I somehow thought that maybe she had been moved up so they could bury more children there. However, on Monday when I spoke to St. Mary's, they assured me that she hasn't been moved. But, with the weather that it is in Lynn, that there was some reports of the babies graves sinking in.. and they have had to fill it in, but Teleaitha was not nor would she be moved without my permission.
Yes, even though this put my mind at ease.. it still knocked me off my feet and the emotions that come with it from losing a child. I would never, ever wish a death of a child on anyone.. including if I had any enemies. That is a pain I would never wish upon anyone, ever.
So, yes.. this week being home.. I have had a self-pity party for myself. I have felt the loneliness of not having a big family, but being thankful for those that I have in my home. I have felt the lost of wishing that I could have big cook outs and family gatherings as I saw with Vince's family this past week. I have felt angry that it was taken from me.. not by my choice, but the choice of my father's and those that continue to believe that I asked for it and wanted him to rape me night after night and day after day.
I have felt sorry for myself that I didn't have those things today. No big cook outs, no big family gatherings, no big reunions, no traditions to continue.. I have felt sorry that I didn't have those things that I could give my children and their children... and so.. yes this week I withdrew from everyone and everything and had a wallow in shit week for me..
and for that only I APOLOGIZE.
Because today I woke from the shit and knew that something had to be done. That I can't continue to feel sorry for me... I have so much to be thankful for. I have my husband and my children that are involved in my life. I have my grandchildren. I have a home and a city that I love so much. I have my health even though may be hard at times, I am still able to walk without a cane (unless weather is really horrible) and I have been treatment free for some time now. And I have been accepted in my husband's family and they treat me as I have always been part of their lives.
We all have our crosses to bear. And we have all wallowed in self pity from time to time and you know what??? That is okay. I have realized me being a woman that is even more okay to do so. It is a matter of what we continue to do with our crosses. We can continue to wallow in it.. or we can pick ourselves up from the boot straps and be thankful for the path and the season we are in, right now.. today.
Because at the end of the day.. that is what matters.. is today. Now.. but these past moments are what continues to mold me into the woman that I am today. Those moments are the ones that make me a stronger woman and a determined woman. These moments help me to help others that might be going through things that I have. These moments are what helps define me into who I become. And these moments... I have no regrets and I am truly.. truly thankful for. Because these moments are what makes my "Life a Beautiful Mess."
**Just saying.. my thoughts**