My name is Theresa Olaes Noe and I am 40 years old. Yes, I already know that I am getting on up there in age and with getting up there means that lots is happening in my life.
I have been married since November 14, 1992 and my husband (Vincent) and I have 4 children. (Who are all growing up very quickly).
We have a daughter name: Savannah (Going to be 21 on the 4th of September).
We have a daughter name: Katarina, she is 18 years old.
We have a son name: Gabriel, he is 16 years old.
We have a son name: Elijah (He is going to be 14 on the 10th of September).
I'm opening up this because I feel as though there is so many of us that feel as though we are alone. Most of us, as women have had our own dreams, but we find ourselves where we are today (at least for me).. Wondering what I am doing with my life? All of my dreams and hopes have been always put on the back burner for one reason or another. After all, isn't that what we are suppose to do as mothers and wives???
I suppose the problem that I am having with that is that now that everyone seems to be finding themselves, I am left wondering for many hours at a time "What have I done with my life?.. Nothing is as I had hoped or dreamed it would be.. (Of course, many of us can agree on what we dreamed of as little girls, is nothing to what reality really is)...
The problem that I suppose that I am having is that I found that sacrificing my life for my family has left me feeling with a lot of tears and feeling as though I am being left behind.. Savannah has a fiance and really doesn't have much contact with me.. and most of the time I end feeling as though I am intruding on her life.
Then I have another daughter that just turned 18 years old and she is in the world finding out who she is and where she belongs (and like many left angry and said that she hated me)... believe it or not.. Yesterday on the 29th, has been 3 weeks.. and then I have my 2 boys that are somewhat in their own world of either playing games or working and of course their education. Finally, lastly, my husband works full time either with Who who or with Connecting Investors of Greenville...
Most blogs or whatever these things are called are always full of good things or they are with hobbies or some sort and really all I want is to make a blog where we as individuals don't feel so alone or as if they are the only ones that their children have come to hate (Or just don't have time for you)... or they have left the home.. I understand that everyone is where they are in their lives.. none of us are ever in the same place.. The world shapes us, the world molds us with different circumstances, and even then sometimes we find out that the world spits us out as if we are common trash that can be thrown away.
I suppose my growing up I had wanted so much for my family and that I wanted things to be so different when I had children.. Truth of it is, it isn't really different whether you are from an abusive family or if you are with a family that has somewhat of it together. You can never be good enough as a mother.. Either you did not do it this way, or said it this way.. or they believe you should of been this way or make choices in that way. They are always sitting in back in judgement of you and do you know why??? Because they, themselves can NOT really understand or comprehend the sacrifices or the decisions unless they are too in the same situation as we are in.. being a parent.
I have found that being a parent is the most difficult job there ever was in my lifetime. Yes, it is full of disappointments, happiness, love, joy, hope, peace, conflicts, disagreements, action.. and yes even horror. The truth of it is.. at least for me I have found that being a parent will cause me to cry more silently in the shower where no one can hear.. then it would in any other time of my life. The truth of it is.. that most of the time they don't even realize how badly they have hurt you or they somehow think in their mind because you are their Mother, that it is okay to say or do whatever they wish to you without thinking that in the end... the truth is... "I am human, with feelings, and yes, I cry."
I don't have regrets at all with my family.. I would sacrifice everything that I have including my life.. to make certain that my children and my husband are happy and successful.. But, during those rare moments, while they are becoming successful and I am being left behind.. I am left trying to find out who I am.. and find some hope.. find some dreams.. find something to wish upon.. because all of my life.. has been for them.. and now as many hours past.. and days and my life is a struggle in will I become sick again or will I die young (I am really tired of fighting my health).. I find myself wondering the biggest question of all... Who Am I?