Just as many of us do, I do a lot of reflecting on my life. I reflect where I have been. What I have done. Who I have in life. What I have accomplished. Where I think that I have failed, etc... Just as many of us do. At least, I do not think that I am the only person in the world that does the reflecting thingy.
I know that I am my best friend or I could be my worst enemy. I also know that I am my worst critic. I don't take compliments well, I am not conceded, I don't think that I am pretty, I don't believe that I am worth much (sometimes)... I also believe that I can write well (when I want too), I am a great at listening, I respond well when there is a crisis, and I think that I am a good friend.
It is challenging sometimes when we grew up in a dysfunctional family (some more heavy then others)... And the majority of families are dysfunctional in some form or another. We believe if we read every book out there on how to parent our children, listen to those that do not even have children, or we try the newest thing that is out there, we are going to be 100 percent successful and our children are going to be perfect. After all, as a mom, we tell ourselves that our children are perfect, or we compare them to others and say, "Well, at least my child isn't doing that, or at least my child isn't on drugs, etc." In some way or another, if we try to do the compare thingy, then our children will always look perfect.
It is sort of like when you are in the valley. You look at others in the valley and think, at least I don't look that bad, or at least I have food on my table, at least my clothes don't look old... and that somehow makes your reality of your life look a little better because you have judged your situation with another. Or you have judge your children against other children. Or you have judge your parenting skills with another person parenting skills.
And then you have your past of your dysfunctional family looming over your head. They were drug addicts, alcoholics, a mother constantly having different boyfriends in, you were sexually abused, physically abused, you weren't hugged enough, or told often that you are loved. You couldn't do anything right. You would never amount to anything. You were worthless, an accident, was an inconvience to your parents life.
Resulting the majority of the time of trying to take your own life, being a cuttter, feeling of worthlessness, trapped, not sleeping well, majority of the time; placing blame on anything bad that happens in your life on your childhood. Most of the time not being able to take responsibilities for your own life as an adult. And for a certainity, without help, without God, you will pass the dysfunctional ways that you learned onto your own children. Or you could do as many have done, including myself, and break the chain...
You see, there isn't a manual or a guidebook that can teach you every circumstances this is what you are suppose to do or this is what you are suppose to say. There isn't a guidebook or step-by-step instructions that tell you in a circumstance that this is what you are suppose to do and how to make it come out the right way.
There isn't a map that you can just follow to show you how you can be 100 percent successful in all areas of your life. If there was one, then all of us would be following it for sure because that is what we want in our lives. To be successful. To have successful children. To have a successful life.
If we can compare to some countries, we could be living in a hut, have multiple children, some countries setting up marriage for our 13 year old child, eating a meal a day, etc. However, we are in America. We do have some say. The problem is that more and more of the generation that we are raising are ending up in trouble. The military has changed their standards, (use to be they could touch you), we have bullying (never heard about that growing up), we have technology (kids don't play cowboys and indians anymore outside), more high school drop out, more and more grandparents are raising their grandchildren, just as much as we heard dead beat dads, we are hearing dead beat moms...
And then... then the ones that you wanted so desperately to raise the correct way, because your dysfunctional family was so dysfunctional you were going to do it differently, ends up not the way that you have dreamed it to be.
The reality of it all is this: We all fail. We all fail as human beings. We all fail as parents. We all fail in some of our dreams and our hopes. We all fail in all areas of your life and reality is if you are truthful with yourself, then you would know that at least once during the week you have failed. Not because you intended to, not because you wanted to, not because you meant to, but because the fact remains you are only human.
I am 40 years old... (Yes, I am old... lol)... If anyone really knows me they know that I come from an abusive home. (You can actually google or yahoo me.. and find all that out)... I am a former cutter, I also don't think highly of myself. However, I do not have mistakes that I blame on my past. I take responsibility for my behavior, for my choices, for my life. I don't have to meet society's standards of what I "should" be doing... I don't have to meet society's standards of what I "should" be doing in raising my children... Just because Society, has set the bar in what it should be like and how it is suppose to be like, does not mean that it works for every family, every individual, every situation.
Facts are facts, if we all in general stood up "together" in our society supporting one another, encouraging one another, uplifting one another, reaching out to our neighbors, cities, towns, villages, etc... then there would be no society rules in how it should be... because we would remain strong, confident. In general the rules are if you live in a beautiful home, own a few cars, have a job, etc... then you are doing well. Very well in fact. The problem with that is that there is only a handful of people that actually are doing that. Yet, most of the time if you look at the well to do families they are the ones that seem to have missed that bond with their family, and seems to have missed what life is truly about.
Why do we judge one another by how much one has, instead of what one is? Do we miss the fact that material things do come and go, but a heart will remain with you? Yes, life is about laying your life down for one another. Reaching out your hand to a stranger. Lifting someone up if they fall, helping others when they are down, wiping tears away when they are cry, mourn with another when they are mourning...
What are we missing, when more suicides are happening, more families are homeless, children taking parents lives... what are we missing when our own children seem to hate being around you, yet you give them all that you have, sacrifice your whole life, but it is not even enough for them? What happened to families, wanting to be families, children wanting to be children...
How does one find themselves after they have lost themselves? How many times do we wonder, what if we had done this or that? Where did I go so wrong? What happened? Where is the peace? Where is the love? What happened even to living by the golden rule? What happened that we find ourselves being judged so harshly by society or we find ourselves standing in front of the mirror, harshly judging ourselves?
What happened just to follow the Love Chapter??? Is the world "love" so lightly taken that it can be tossed quickly into the wind and carried off in a tornado? Yes, I am human. I am only human. I am far from perfect, I am far from being great... Thus, I tell you the truth... At least, I know I have given it my all... And yes, I know that I have loved beyond measures... and will continue, even if my heart is beaten, my spirit will continue to thrive.
There is no one out here, on this earth, that can sit in that throne and judge... why? Because if you are really honest with yourself, even if that is alone in front of a mirror, you will find your own skeletons and you will find that you too have made tons of mistakes, and you will also find out that you too are only human.
As I get older, because the majority of the elderly, if you ever go to a nursing home and really listen to people, or even those a lot older than you, and you ask them if they could do anything different, what would it be? Most would say, spend time with my family. Why can we not learn from those older than we are, to listen to their stories, their mistakes, and learn from their teachings, instead of being to prideful... or as if you are to good to have any advice? As if you are the one is wiser than all... and "know" it "all."
The reality of life is, I am not here forever... I'm not going to live forever either. Just as you aren't...
(If you read this far, thank you... )
One day, my time will come and I won't be here. One day, your time will also come and you won't be here... Live each and every day as if you don't want to have regrets... Words hurt. You can't take back things you have said... But you can change and make it right in time... You aren't promised another moment, you just have this moment... You can make great memories, or you can hold onto the hurtful ones and become bitter, and angry at the world. You can allow your heart to harden, or remain soft with love for all. You can become a loner, go to your death bed lonely, or you can be filled with people around you.
We aren't promised another life. We don't know if reincarnation is a fact or not a fact. However, what we do know is what we have right now. What you make of your life is totally your choice. How you treat others, in the circle of life, will come around and treat you the same way. If you are bitter, then life will be bitter towards you. If you are abusive, then life will abuse you... If you are giving, life will give to you... If you love, then you shall be loved...
Find out... Find out truth, of who you truly are. Take a deep breath, look in the mirror, and start being truthful of what kind of person you are. What do others say behind your back? How do they treat you when they are in your presence? How do you want people to see you if you pass away?
What is your legacy that you want to leave behind? Do you want to be remembered? Do you want to be someone or a somebody?
It is time to step up to the plate, take responsibility for who you are. It is time to stop blaming everyone else around you. It is time to stop blaming that you did not have this or that...
The most important thing is: "What do you have and what do you offer the world?" Don't wonder, "What does the world have for me and what does it give me?" One is a giving person, one is a selfish... Which one are you?
****Just rambling... Just some thoughts*****