In 2008 my life did take a full swing at me. I can never explain to you what that punch in the stomach felt like that at that time nor could I you even comprehend how much my life has change since that moment when life gave me the swing that was a homerun to make my world go upside down.
I have GBS - "(Guillain-Barré syndrome (GBS) is a rare condition in which a person's immune system attacks the peripheral nerves.)" In fact, when I was recovering, I relapsed.. which made it now Chronic GBS because it effected my life twice. Not only did I have GBS, I also had the rare case of GBS that started as headaches and worked from my head down to my feet. Instead of it working from the feet up.
However, I am not going to get into a lot of details about that. However, that was the beginning of a burden that I will carry around for the rest of my life. Fighting a common cold for me, (for those that are not sick often), I can only describe as going to war, just you alone, with one gun, against an army of people that have machine guns. It is difficult, challenging, and every so lasting with only the hope of maybe getting passage to the other side soon enough if you use your gun correctly.
Me keeping it real with you??? Okay fair enough! It sucks. Royally sucks. Most of the time people around me think either I am faking it or over exaggerating.. and more than half the time nobody understands and I feel alone. In reality, I can not remember the last day that I felt wonderful where something didn't hurt or I felt like I didn't want to vomit or go running into the bathroom.
The other day when I went to the emergency room was because the pain was unbelievable on my left side and for over a week now I have visited my bathroom more times that I can count. The only thing they could see at the ER was that I had cysts and maybe the ruptured one on my intestine has caused the bout of diarrhea the past week.
Yet, right now I can tell you this. This ER doctor never touched me.. In fact he told me they would give me pain medication (which they did), do blood work, cat scan, etc.. and fluids. Never got the fluids and finally when hours went by when I haven't heard from the doctor or anyone for that matter I pressed the call button to the nurse's station. And when they answered I simply said I wanted to make sure that I wasn't forgotten.
A few moments later, the ER doctor came in said everything looked okay. That the only thing that he could see was cysts and looked like one ruptured, that maybe could cause the diarrhea, but looks like no surgery needed. (Of course thank god he said that because that would be a definite no for me). Go home and rest. YET ONCE AGAIN HE NEVER TOUCHED ME. NEVER felt my stomach.. he never once put his hands on me to physically feel.. strange huh? or maybe that it was just strange for me.
I got home about 4 am on Thursday morning and here it is Friday night.. I am still going to the bathroom countless times.. feel sick to my stomach, left side still hurting, my *ss hurts so much from going constantly.. and my stomach is tender from rumbling and upset for so long. I haven't been out of my bed except to see the bathroom, maybe go out on my porch for a short moment, then I get tired so quickly I just want to go back and lay down.
Do you every have that feeling that something just isn't right? (That is where I am right this moment). I know that one of my "crosses" as many of us like to call it, is not being well. I know how many times that my doctor or other doctors have told me that I could go on disability and stay home. But, I don't.
I don't let my burden get me down. I refuse to. I refuse to let this over come me and take over my life. I work just as a healthy person would if not harder. I also push myself over and over to be better, to strive to get the maximum out of each day, and I push myself even to the slightest part of the ledge I could go without actually going over.
However, I am so frustrated because I know my body (yes even being sickly) that it is fighting something and something just isn't right. But, I am continuing to do what the ER doctor told me to do and just rest. Maybe he is right and it is just a rupture cysts and maybe it is just taking me longer to heal from it because I can't fight off things like a healthy person can.
I am a determined person. I am a strong woman. And I know this much, that know matter what... I will not let anything keep me down. I will continue to fight in living a normal life. And yes I may whine doing it, but I will hold my head up high and I will not feel sorry for myself. (At least not this moment I won't).
So, today my burden.. has me down a little bit down in the dumps. I do feel alone because no one can understand what it is like to be sick constantly if they themselves aren't going threw it. Today I am frustrated because I do not know what else to do to get better and stay out of the bathroom. Today I am angry because my body isn't strong enough to fight whatever it may be fighting against like a normal person and it has prevented me from going to work and even being able to out of my home.. it has kept me tied down to the bathroom and bed.
This is keeping it real.. this is me.. this is who I am today. "I Am Human."