I Do Not Know What That Means!!!
It was already challenging enough when I spoke to someone on the phone... and if I got quiet because of uncertainty of What it meant by them saying it.. would lead to the next question to me... "do you understand What I am saying?"
Most the time however, I would hear myself answer, "No." And I would hear them sign and make What they were saying... well clarified. Sigh of relief because the misinterpretations finally was being cleared out in the air.. and wedge would be removed.
Now I really don't have phone calls to fret about for misunderstandings... even if I can't see them face-to-face... I can hear it in their voice as they can hear mine.. leading only to one solution.. clearing the air to make sure no one has their feelings hurt and the voice on the other side, listening to their tone makes it more comfortable per say.
Now even to make it more twisted... we have cell phones.. not only to make phone calls.. but also text and use Social Media. Hence, leading to many problems. As well as many more feelings getting hurt.
We do not have the capabilities to hear their voice or see their face. In a text it is just black and white.. and social media like Facebook.. let's us many times feeling left-out with events That are going on around you because you weren't invited.. either by mistake or purpose..
I see lots of pictures That are shared.. comments That people leave for one another and I find myself swallowing What feels like knives on fire, going down my throat. I feel tears well up in my eyes.. walk in the bathroom and sit against the door and begin to sob.
I do try to explain to myself numerous times.... That it is just where they are in their lives... That it isn't on purpose... but nevertheless it still hurts the same.
However, once I pick myself up off the floor and dry my tears... I continue to pretend to be happy. As if nothing happened.... even if a feel like I am a nobody and that I am worthless and even no one wants to invite me anywhere...
I am a woman.. but I am a wife and mother first... What I had dreamed and wanted for for my life doesn't matter... as long as my children and husband accomplishes their hope and dreams...I will rejoice with them and support them.
I don't get new things... or treated any way That I am special to them... but maybe I will have a real smile one day .. and maybe just maybe if I blessed I will find my own dream and they will support me.. (wishful thinking ) maybe one day I'll get treated like a human being..
And maybe if it isn't to late.. I will feel like I meant something to them and I will feel like they want to spend time with me.
And maybe I will feel like it is because they wanted too.. not because they felt like they had to.. and maybe I will be here to see how much I mean to them... and will feel as though I am worth something...
Because right now I feel worthless... alone.. I feel like I am a bother and in the way... and 95 percent of the time... I think they wouldn't even notice I died...
*My Thoughts For Today*