A Moment Can Break A Heart
I was never late at that time of the month.. I mean EVER! Yet, this time I was and I went into a local drugstore, purchased a pregnancy test, and then drove to the nearest gas station.. Yes, I needed to know right then. I went into the restroom, and within moments, I found out that I was pregnant. My heart was beating so hard that I thought surely it would end up coming out of my chest or I was going to die right there of a heart attack... I couldn't believe that the test was right.. Was I actually reading it correctly??? I pulled the box back out of the trash and grabbed the picture diagram again, looking back and forth from the diagram to the stick that I was holding in my right hand. Was this really right? Surely this isn't true.. I can't be pregnant.. Now what???
On January 7, 1992, that beautiful, wonderful, Tuesday I found out in a restroom of a local gas store, that I was going to have a baby.. Little did I know that the following months would be tons of obstacles that would come in my way and make me wonder if I was going to be able to carry this child to term.
When I was a just shy of 5 months pregnant, I began to cramp and then just a few hours later, I was heading to the emergency room because I began to bleed heavily.. By the end of the night, I was having a miscarriage. What I didn't realize at that time is that Savannah, being a twin, I would be given the option to have a D&C, or pray that the complications that happened within the last 24 hours wouldn't have an effect on her.
I silently prayed and answered the D0ctor with simple words, if the heart is beating, then I will trust in God, and will decline the D&C.. Over the next 4 months, I was in the category of being high risk, a lot of the time was either trying to count the movements of this baby girl or I was going to the hospital for tests because she wasn't moving.. I would spend countless hours on my knees praying that she would be alright.. praying that God wouldn't call her to be an Angel like Teleaitha (a daughter that I lost).. I couldn't even begin to count the hours that I cried, becoming frightful that I wouldn't ever be able to hear her cry or call me, Mama.. Would I ever be able to hear her voice and her little arms wrapped around me telling me that she loved me???
The moment that she was born after a long emotional road of the pregnancy, I began to weep.. I began to thank God and thank the ones around me.. nurses that had come to know me over the past few months, from having test after test done, cried with me out of the joy and relief of knowing this beautiful, perfect baby girl was now in my arms.. There wasn't anything that matter anymore, the tears and the stress of worrying was now over.. and all seemed meaningless because God had given me a gift..
He had given me a gift of allowing me to have this baby girl in my arms.. to have her little fingers wrap around mine.. To have her look up at me and I knew that she was mine.. There was nothing else on the face of the earth that I loved more than I loved her at this moment.. I was in love and I knew that, as I held her in my arms that I would move, Heaven and Hell to make sure that she had everything that she needed, including my own life..
Now here it is 21 years later.. and how life has taken a turn.. Not even hearing her voice, but threw a text telling her that I hope she has a wonderful 21st birthday and that I loved her.. A few hours she text back, Thank you and I love you too... Nothing more was written.. it was very clear to me, just as she said just a few weeks ago, that she wasn't planning anything and didn't know.. that her boyfriend was planning everything.. I heard from other siblings that they were going over there, to her home.. And with words not being stated, I knew that I wasn't wanted.. That I wasn't invited.. That I wasn't included.. and once again, Yes.. I was being "left out"..
I don't believe that there is any greater pain then losing your child.. Teleaitha was a daughter that God took home just a few hours after her birth.. then I lost a step son just a few years ago from a terrible accident... In just a blink of an eye.. them or you could be gone.. I know how horrible it is to be rejected by your parents when you are growing up.. But, I never knew the real feeling of pain and rejection that I have felt from my girls in the past few months.. from being excluded from their life.. to one telling me that she hates me and that I will never see her again..
Yet, I sit back quietly.. tears that silently fall from continuing to be "left-out"and "rejected" because as long as they are happy.. then I as a Mother will step back and let them alone.. and when and if they ever open their heart back to me.. I will welcome them back with open arms.. because that is what Unconditional love is.. no apologies, no explanations, nothing.. Just being relieved that they are letting me by part of their lives again, at least for that moment...
I said as I began this blog just a few short days ago, that I would be open and honest.. and that is what I am doing.. And since I can't tell her, than I will write it.. Happy 21st Birthday, Angel.. and hope that you have a wonderful, blessed, beautiful day.. just as you brought me 21 years ago, when I held you in my arms for the very first time...